Prince Frederick takes his new pals from the IOC home to meet his mother.
Sunday September 9, 2009
‘Hi Mum, I’m privileged to introduce the most senior member of the IOC, Mr Joao Havelange. He’s been a member since 1963.
‘Hello. What else do you do?’
‘I was President of FIFA for 24 years.’
‘Ah,’ says the Queen who gets her sports news from Ekstra Bladet, ‘Didn’t you a problem with bribes?’
‘They’ll never catch me now.’
‘Now Mama, please shake hands with Mr Blatter, he’s the FIFA president now.’
‘Do I have to?’
‘Shsh Mama. Mr Blatter is a very important man. Ask him and he’ll tell you.’
‘I’d rather not.’
‘Mama, here’s somebody you’ve met before. Princess Anne from Britain.’
‘My proper title is The Princess Royal.’
‘What do you do at the IOC?’
‘Nothing. I haven’t sat on any IOC committees since 1994. I’m a royal decoration.’
And so am I. I’m Princess Nora from Lichtenstein.’
‘Doesn’t your family own that bank that helps rich Germans and Americans avoid paying taxes at home?’
‘Mama! We don’t talk about that! Please meet Mr Carraro from Italy.’
‘What’s your day job?’
‘Your Majesty, I used to run Italian football but I resigned over the Juventus match-fixing scandal. I must point out that eventually I was cleared of all allegations. Now I chair Mr Blatter’s internal audit committee and I can assure you that FIFA’s finances are clean.’
‘But I thought the Swiss police are investigating fraud allegations at FIFA?’
‘Your Majesty, please don’t believe what you read in the newspapers.’
‘I do. Who’s next?’
‘Mama, this is Mr Vitaly Smirnov from Russia.’
‘Weren’t you named in 1999 in the Salt Lake bribes scandal?’
‘I got off with a serious warning.’
‘Hello, I’m Anita DeFrantz from America. I’ve chaired the women’s committee since 1995.’
‘And you’ve still got only 16 women IOC members?’
‘I think that’s a great achievement.’
‘Hmm. Who are you?’
‘Kevin Gosper from Australia. I should have been IOC president but they ignored me.’
‘Who is the leggy blonde with you?’
‘She’s my personal assistant from the IOC.’
‘Mama, permit me to introduce Mr Leo Wallner from Austria.’
‘Hello Mr Wallner, haven’t you just resigned as president of the Austrian national Olympic committee?’
‘Unfortunately yes Ma’am. Although I knew nothing about it, those doping scandals of the Austrian skiiers are a huge embarrassment.’
‘Mama, this is Mr Patrick Hickey from Ireland. He’s president of the European Olympic Committees.’
‘I’ve heard of you. Didn’t you recently give that thug Lukashenko from Belarus an award for his ‘outstanding contribution to the Olympic movement,’ just before those weightlifters were found guilty of doping in Beijing.’
‘Mama! Please meet Crown Prince Willem-Alexander from Holland and the Grand Duke Henri from Luxembourg.
‘What they do?’
‘They are more royal decorations at the IOC. Like I am going to be.
‘Frederick! I can’t take a lot more of this.’
‘Mother, there are another 93 members still to meet.’
‘Hurry it up.’
‘OK, these are the most important people, our sponsors. They pay for our wonderful lifestyle. We all live like princes. Here is the man from McDonalds. They are spearheading our campaign against child obesity.
‘And here’s the boss of Coca-Cola. He’s very concerned about child tooth decay.’
‘Frederick, I’ve warned you before about the type of people you bring to my palace.’
‘But you must shake the hand of the boss of General Electric. They pay us big bucks – and make the jet engines for the American bombers in Iraq and Afghanistan. He’s a great believer in the IOC’s mission to bring peace to the world.’
‘I’ve had enough.’
‘Mama, just one more. Our Honorary Life President His Excellency Juan Antonio Samaranch, once a great friend of Spain’s General Franco.’
‘Why has he got his right arm stuck up in the air? Something wrong with his armpit?’
‘He’s been doing that since 1938.’
How do I get to shake his hand?’
‘Stand on a chair?’
‘Frederick, come immediately to my private office. After I’ve washed my hands, I need a very serious talk about your choice of friends.’